Subject: please forward to Allen Edwards, the petty sadist, bully, and self-important fop

Dear Allen,

I recently had the painful misfortune of coming across your awful, pompous personality on the television show "Split Ends" in which you unmercifully berated a bright, seemingly eager to learn, respectful yet naive hairstylist from some half Amish cowtown in Upstate NY over the course of three cringe inducing days for the purpose of further aggrandizing your already monstrously outsized ego and the sick pleasure you must somehow derive from verbally abusing a defenseless child. My favorite part of the show, however, was at the very end when you told her 'she'd passed!' because it was at that very moment you revealed what a total fraud and sickeningly small, mean person you really are. If you hated her work all along, and her total lack of talent as you so venomously put it so very many times, and never offered her anything in the way of direction, just insults, just that she sucked, just that she didn't have it... how could she just magically transform to meet your ultrahigh standard on the 3rd day? she couldn't. she was either good enough all along and you're a piece of s*** who felt like insulting a little girl or it still wasn't good enough and you're a f***ing phony for telling her she'd passed. I'm choosing both outcomes for you and I hope nothing but failure for you in your life because you are a sad, ugly person without insight.

I doubt that you are even capable of reading something this long, so best wishes to your enemies!